So much socializing happens virtually these days – via text, email, chat, social media, and phone – that using these tools badly might be pissing people off. Those late-night texts, the rude comment you left on someone’s social media post, the text shortcut you are using wrong, even the angle of your camera in a Zoom call might be doing your reputation in your social world more harm than you know.
“Technology makes communication so easy, immediate, and convenient — available anywhere, from airline seats to toilet seats — that it unfortunately also makes it just as easy and immediate to be unintentionally rude,” reads Emily Post’s Manners in a Digital World: Living Well Online by Daniel Post Senning.
Are you misusing texting, acting like a twerp on Twitter, being a jerk on TikTok, or annoying everyone in Zoom meetings without know it? Maybe. Here are some rules to help you do better.
Choose the right forum
The tool you use to communicate is important. If you use a public social forum to say something private, send a text to deliver bad news, answer a text with a phone call (without asking first), or insist on a Zoom call when an email would work, or use texting jargon in emails, you will annoy people. Think about who can see what you are saying and if the forum you are using is the right one for your message, for the tone you are using, for shortcuts like LOL. Texting bad news or the reason you are angry might seem easier than calling or meeting up but it’s the wrong thing to do and people will respond accordingly.
Clean up your Zoom house
So much personal and professional interaction happens over video call these days that Zoom etiquette has become super important to social success. You probably know that you should put on a nice shirt, be polite, and behave as if you are in the same room with the other people in the call. But how is the rest of the shot? No one wants to spend the entire call trying not to look at something unsettling in the background. So do a quick camera check before you Zoom to make sure there isn’t a naked baby, a child playing with a rifle, a pile of dirty laundry, or an offensive photo in the frame.
“Use a background that is clean, uncluttered, professional, and not overly personalized,” recommends the Emily Post Institute Inc. “And test each piece of equipment in the way it will be used before you rely on it for a call.”
Also pay attention to the lighting. A window, lopsided lighting, and dark shadow can be very distracting for the other people in the call. It’s a simple fix, though. Put a lamp near your face and avoid sitting with your back to a window.
Are you ready for your closeup?
The optimal position in a Zoom call is not a closeup. Step back so your shoulders are in the shot because these cameras are wide-angle and will distort your face if you sit too close. You will look weird, which does not give a good impression. Also, don’t put the camera below your face because no one wants to spend 30 minutes looking up your nose. The best place for the camera is at eye level. That way you will be looking right at the people you are talking to.
Focus on the thing you are doing
Multitasking is a myth. Humans can do one thing at a time. So, if you think you are multitasking in a social setting, you are probably being a jerk.
If you are on a video call, be in the video call. If you are on a phone call, listen and talk. If you are having dinner with friends, put your phone away and enjoy the conversation and the meal. Don’t read your Twitter feed. Don’t text under the table. Don’t take a call at dinner. Don’t read email and chat during a video call. It’s all rude and everyone will notice. People can hear you typing, you will miss the gist of the conversation, and whoever you are talking to will be pissed off that they took the time to talk to you, but you didn’t reciprocate.
Streamer etiquette
Don’t know what streaming is? That’s because you aren’t a teenager, haven’t been a teenager recently, and don’t have any teenagers. If you listen to oldsters who love to rag on “the kids these days” you might believe that gamers are rude little buggers. Maybe they are. But there are lots of rules about engagement in these forums, many of which are moderated, and those rules are clearly posted. So if you want to check out these gaming streamers, make sure you read them. In a long list of etiquette rules posted, for example, by Sunny, a Twitch streamer, the number one rule is, “Read [the] chat rules….Every streamer has different rules…follow them.” Rule number ten here applies not only to streaming but to all online social forums: Be respectful and nice to everyone.
Texting “K” is so rude
For a brief and glorious time in the early 2000s, using the single letter “K” to agree with someone was a great texting shortcut. If you do it now, though, it’s so rude you might find yourself in a fight or losing friends. For many years, texting, instant messaging, or chatting, “K” has been code for a virtual middle finger and whoever you sent that innocuous and simple missive that you intended to convey that everything is okay is now wondering what they did to piss you off.
“OK” is okay. “KK” is okay. But “K” is not okay unless you are angry and passive-aggressive.
The thumbs-up emoticon might also make some people angry since that is, in some circles, considered to be a passive-aggressive dismissal intended to permanently end this conversation.
Don’t scoop someone else’s news
A friend tells you they are getting married, moving, having a kid, got a new job, or whatever. You think, “I’ll just say congrats on Facebook!” Stop! Do not post anything else about this until after they do. If you do this, you have become that gossip girl from high school that tells the entire school every juicy tidbit she knows and that no one trusts with confidential information.
Your social media feed is for your own news. It’s not a place to show off your early access to gossip. “If you’re unsure whether a subject is ready for prime time,” writes Post Senning. “Check with your friend first or wait until they have posted or commented about it.”
Mind the time
There was once a rule governing phone calls that we all agreed to: Don’t call after nine in the evening. There were exceptions, of course, but only for close friends or emergencies. This rule has evolved because we often communicate across time zones and work schedules are more varied but getting it wrong is very bad for casual and business communications.
Be mindful of the schedule of the person you are calling or texting and, if there is any chance that your call or text will disturb their sleep or family time, use a forum with less immediacy. (Email instead of text, for example.) If you want to send your thought before you forget, texting is the only way you communicate with this person, and it’s late at night, use the scheduling feature in your texting app so you can write your message now and send it at a reasonable hour.
Similarly, texting or calling close friends when they are at work is also rude (unless there is a legitimate emergency) and could potentially impact their employment, especially if your texts are urgent and frequent.
Don’t TikTok from the gym or showers
Whipping out your phone to film something at the gym, in the showers, or anywhere where people might not want to be photographed, especially if you plan to post that video to a very public forum like TikTok is not only very rude but is quite possibly against the law. (These privacy laws are governed by the states and they vary.) No one wants you to use your camera where they are sweating, naked, or otherwise expecting to be left alone to do their private business. Don’t be that asshole.