It’s almost Valentine’s Day and you know, nothing says I love you quite like a bouquet of … meat. C’mon, it’s perfect for your meat-heart. (Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.)
Here are this year’s top 10 off-the-wall wonders filled with inside jokes and just enough innuendo to make this Valentine’s totally unforgettable.
An Artful Earful
Here’s a great way to win over your crush: take a cue from Vincent Van Gogh and gift them a nice ear.
Most importantly, both of the figure’s ears are fully detachable. (If you want to keep your gift to your crush historically accurate, Van Gogh lost his left ear.)
If you want a Van Gogh of your own, you’ll need to donate $21 to the campaign. And don’t delay — it only runs until March 16.
Bouquet of Meat
I love flowers just as much as the next girl, but good luck handing a dozen roses to the man in your life and getting anything but a blank stare in return. Want to give him a bouquet he’ll really remember? Mancrate’s Salami Bouquet ($49.99) is packed with five 8-ounce links of tasty meat in a variety of flavors. It’ll win you way more points with your man than anything at the flower shop, and he’ll be too busy chowing down to realize he just got a bouquet for Valentine’s Day.
He spams you with goofy emoji texts all day long, so hit him back with some smileys of your own. These hilarious cufflinks ($55) scream “Millennial,” but they’re perfect for any guy who knows how to work a smartphone. I’m partial to the smiling ‘poo’ emoji from Cufflinks.com, but the ‘OK’ hand gesture is great too, or you can go with the classic ‘tears of joy’ smiley if he’s a wannabe comedian — aren’t all guys?
Time to spoon
If your favorite fella or lovely lady just can’t get enough spooning, even when you’re not around, give them a gift that keeps on snuggling. The Spoonfool pillow ($150 from www.spoonfoolpillow.com) is literally a giant, fluffy spoon, and it’s the perfect couch companion or bedroom buddy on those nights when you just can’t be there to snuggle your significant other in person. The best part? It doesn’t snore or jostle you awake after you’ve drifted off into dreamland!
Music brings a lot of couples together, but listening to “your song” when you’re out and about can be next to impossible, unless you want to annoy everyone else within earshot. Arc headphones by Wearhaus are the first wireless headphones made specifically for two people to rock out to the same tunes at the same time.
All you have to do is pair them together and then pick the tunes from your favorite streaming app and you’ll both be feeling the music simultaneously. They even have color-changing LEDs built into the earcups to give both you and your sweetie some personal flair. These beauties normally sell for $199 a pair, but Wearhaus is running a special Valentine’s Day deal where you can snag two pair for $299.
Underwear you share
What has four legs, two rears and is a perfect funny gift for a crazy Valentine? Fundies Undies For Two ($10). This is one pair of underwear made for two people to wear. At the same time.
Now look here
Does the guy or gal in your life spend more time staring at their smartphone than they do talking to you? Drop a hint with this smartphone magnifier ($24.99 at Trouva.com) designed like an old retro tube TV. Tell your bae to slide their phone in the back and with its big 8-inch magnified lens you can both enjoy whatever it is that’s always distracting them, or maybe just kick back and watch some Netflix.
For your favorite weirdo
If there’s one thing that we all learn after dating for a while, it’s that that “weird” can actually be a really, really good thing. Show your lover you’re totally cool with their quirks with a pair of pillow cases ($28 from RKGrace Prints on Amazon) that boldly declare it. It’ll remind them that being weird is just another reason why they’re the perfect match for you, and you’ll both get a giggle whenever your heads hit the pillow.
You’re the missing piece
Always thought you fit together perfectly? Here’s a way to show it, by creating a personalized jigsaw puzzle with the Magic Jigsaw Puzzle App. The mobile game already comes with more than 20,000 digital puzzles with a range of themes. Special for Valentines, search “V-Day” and unluck 30-free romantic puzzles. Or better yet, create your own puzzle by uploading a photo of you and your bae.